Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Last week I took a

Last week I took a shot at it but I did a poor job of really describing what I look out for when I’m driving - the warning signs of a driver who’s likely to slow me down in random and infuriating ways.  Billy described just such a situation recently, and it made me think my tongue-in-cheeque expose was anything but useful.  In fact it sucked.  So here is a better, more clearly conceived, and much more useful taxonomy of warning signs that should make you ask yourself, am I driving behind the automotive equivalent of Abe Simpson or Garrison Keillor - someone who’s going to give me a short course in high blood pressure and low tollerance of the frailties of others?

Without further ado: “GET YOUR GARBAGE CART OUT OF MY FACE” SIGNS:
* Older diesel cars
* Cars with lots of exhaust, or a big exhaust stain on their butts
* Cars with overly cute bumper stickers ("Don’t Follow Me I’m Lost Too;” “I brake for Unicorns;” “Not Perfect, Just Forgiven")
* Cars loaded with goddamn fuzzy dolls and bobblehead crap
* Cars that seem to be dragging their ass low to the roadbed
* Cars that are really big with drivers that are really small
* Cars with lots of environmental stickers all over them, obscuring window clarity
* Smashed out taillights and/or rear bumper
* Really really dirty cars with really dirty windows
* Cars with unusually tacky faux-wood panelling
* Cars that leave too long a gap between themselves and the car they’re trailing
* Self-referential license plates - whether relating to people ("C WONG") or vehicles ("MY 87 CAD")
* Bumper stickers that say “I’d rather be” doing something really sedentary and introspective, like “knitting” or “napping”
* Cars with a license plate dangling precariously
* Cars that are really shiny and still have dealer’s plates instead of DMV plates (drivers are so nervous about their new babies)
* Cars with lots of stuff stacked on the roof, especially if there’s no roof rack
* Occupied vehicles in my neighborhood

Of course, none of these signs is dispositive; many of them can appear together in a vehicle that’s not causing anyone any problems.  But that’s in other cities, other states.  Around me, any of these signs typically means “your enrollment in rageaholics anonymous has expired.” Sometimes I can control them with my mind and make them go away.  Usually I just seethe until I rip the top off my gearshift knob.  You can only imagine how much seething I have to do before I’m driven to such extremes.  I’m very attached to my knob.