Monday, December 15, 2003

Let’s Get Cracking

Sometimes the world gives you lemons, that’s right.  Sometimes a good solid lemon is exactly what you need.  That’s how I felt last week when I was slowly chewing my way through three inches of corian desktop with the elation of any office drone who has a billion tiny pieces of data to shuffle and reorganize and type into a database.  I was bitter, dark and ready to snap – sort of like a Nestle’s Special bar, but without the classy foil wrapper or butterfat.  Then I saw that we’d gotten some email in the “departmental” mailbox, which I am no longer responsible for checking, but which I sometimes check anyway because some really weird stuff shows up there sometimes.  Like it did last week, when I found this (my responses are in italics):

December 8, 2003
Dear Law Firm:

Already you’re an idiot.  “Dear” Law firm?  Of all the ways you can describe a law firm, “dear” is not one of them.  Next time try “Damn Law Firm.” At least they’ll know you are thinking things through.

How are you?

I’m reading spam.  Does that give you a hint?  I’m having the kind of day where your gibberish is more interesting than my own life.  You are reaching me at the nadir of my existence.  But thanks for asking.  Losers.

The attached files are about the Chinese super fascist gang’s crimes. We are going to bring them to the International court for trial. If you can lend us a hand with your excellent legal knowledge, it will greatly encourage us to launch a worldwide campaign against the Chinese super Fascist. If you need more information about their crimes, please do not hesitate to contact us.

The Chinese “super fascist gang”?  What kind of superfascists are you talking about?  Are they made of pure adamantium, able to punch their way through socialist infrastructure like so many Belgian waffles, linking up with their power rings to create a mechano-Mussolini?  And so you’re going to take them to the “international court.” Is that the court with the special pancakes with lingonberries or suet or sturgeon roe, depending on which country’s specialty you order?  Oh that’s the International House of Justice.  Shows you how “excellent” my legal knowledge is.  I was going to ask for fascists over easy, but now I think they’ll get my order wrong.  This is complicated.  I’ll just stick with hashed brownshirts.

Thank you so much for your time, and I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.
With kind regards.
Sincerely yours,
Qiguan Li
(626) 452-0980

The goal of Anti-Super Fascist Worldwide Alliance is to expose the Chinese super Fascist gang’s crimes: they poisoned people on an international airliner; killed people with bio-chemical poisonous substances, and set fire on passenger planes. They are more evil than Fascist Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Hideki Tojo. They are super Fascist.

It’s important to have goals, I guess.  And alliances.  Especially worldwide alliances.  I hope you and all your friends in the ASFWA have a lot of fun exposing yourselves and each other and the various other things you seem intent on exposing.  From your list of evils, it appears that super fascists used poison on a burning airplane.  I can’t imagine a more shameful abuse of biochemical poisons.  Next time I bet they wise up and just let them eat that crappy Chicken Kiev.  And wasn’t that a non-smoking flight, anyway?  That is evil.  Super evil.  Super fascistic evil.  Well, like I always say, don’t send an ordinary fascist to do a super fascist’s work.  Maybe if your alliance was also super you’d have a better chance.  Then again, you probably wouldn’t be asking for my help.  Really, you don’t need my excellent legal help, you need the Super Friends.  Or just some Quakers, super or not.  They’ll help you calm down a little.

In order to wipe out the most evil super Fascist gang to make our world more peaceful, we hereby appeal for help:
1.  We appeal to you to expose the Chinese super Fascist gang’s crimes to as many people as you can.
2.  We appeal to United Nations, with a comparison of sanctions against Libya for Lockerbie’s air tragedy in 1988, to punish China for Air China’s passenger poisoning in 2000 and the Chinese airplane bombings in 2002. (Libya’s government recently announced that they accepted the responsibility of the airplane bombing, and agreed to pay 2.7 billion U.S. dollars in return for lifting the sanctions against Tripoli imposed by United Nations in 1992.)
3.  We appeal to United Nations to investigate the case that the Chinese super Fascist gang killed a lot of people through bio-chemical poisonous substances, and bring them to the International Court of Justice for trial.
4.  Before the solution of China’s air poisoning and air bombing, we appeal to people of all over the world to resist the Chinese Civil Aviation.

I am exposing everything I can to everyone I meet.  That way I’ll be sure not to miss exposing someone to something that they need to be exposed to.  And it’s all super, don’t think otherwise.  Fascist or not, I’m exposing some super stuff.  You’d love it.  Stop by and I’ll give you a peek.  Let’s not forget that Libya is paying scads of cash because no one would have anything to do with them for the entire run of Seinfeld, whereas China is actually building new planets and selling them to the highest bidder.  They’re our superbuddies, fascistic or not.  Lockerbie is not a helpful point of comparison.  How about a comparison to that evil dude from Rob Roy who punched the woman in the stomach and then burned her house down?  Yeah, that guy’s bad news, and he dressed funny too.  I’d sign on to bust him a new one.  But Libya?  Really, guys – old news.  Let’s move on.  And as for “the case that the CSFG killed a lot of people through bio-chemical poisonous substances….” you’re kind of vague on the details.  How many people were in this lot, and how do you know the chemicals were bio, and what difference does that make anyway?  Plus, I don’t know what you are adding by telling me that the poison was a substance.  But if you know a way to kill a lot of people by using a bio-chemical poisonous notion or idea, do let me in on it.  I have a few lists that I’d like to shorten.  And as for “resisting the Chinese Civil Aviation,” sign me up.  I’m not going to hold the elevator for them, or even return their mail if it’s accidentally delivered to my house.  I resist Chinese Civil Aviation with every mote of strength in my being.  I put all my fealty in Chinese Criminal Aviation.  Those guys know how to party, and you should see the in-flight entertainment.  Let’s just say my tray table was in a fully upright position… yowzah.

We warmly welcome you to join us, take part in the great Anti-Super Fascist Campaign, and bring them to trial in a common effort.
Protect our people, save our earth!
If you have any questions, Please do not hesitate to e-mail us at:  (Volunteer wanted)

Thanks, guys.  I’ll be in touch.  Any enemy of superfascism is a friend of mine.  Did I get that right?  Wait – which earth are we saving?  Are you sure we’re sharing the same one?  Oh whatever, I’ll pitch in anyway.  You guys are just super.

Well that was entertaining.  The next email I got was an urgent plea that I immediately take steps to cleanse my colon.  I tell you, those superfascists must be everywhere.  But at least I now know how to flush them out of their most insidious and sneakiest hiding places.  They’re telling me, “Visit the site to learn how the Ultiamte Colon Cleanser will clean your colon of toxins and unnecessary waste build up.... Through this very special email offer you can try the Ultimate Colon Cleanser risk free for 30 days.” I am hopeful that this product won’t remove the necessary wastes building up in my colon, as I’ve been working on my collection for years now.  Maybe that’s all the superfascist gang really needs – a serious airing out and someone to whisk out the service entry, so to speak.  And I can try it risk free for 30 days - imagine my relief!  Now that they’ve removed the risks, I’d be happy to eat their bizarre internet medicine candy in the hopes that it will cause toxins to erupt from my fundament.  Or maybe I’m misinterpreting their definition of “risk.” Actually, butt poisons are what we lawyers call “inherently dangerous,” under which circumstances “risk free” sounds like “wishful thinking.” When you play with colon toxins, you’re playing with fire.  It all makes me wonder who thinks I need this help.  After all, that incident in the weight room was years ago, I can’t believe they’re still after me for that…

Maybe tomorrow I will be more focused on my site visit letters and schedules of disbursements.  Right now, it sounds like the house needs to be cleaned, inside and out.  Let’s get cracking, my anti-fascist friends!