Thursday, July 03, 2008
Ready for Big Al
I’m posting unaudited mindpurge today. This is stuff you need to know, so badly that adverbs fail me. However, I have not subjected any of it to the honing process of my incisive editing. May god have mercy on your soul.
Let me be frank and embarass myself, seeing as no one is stepping up to take the bait and do the dirty work him- (or her-)self: Yeah, I have seen several episodes of American Gladiator, and I don’t just mean the last-millenium version. I actually TiVo their overstuffed, painfully distended broadcasts, and watch them on purpose - sometimes even with other people in the room. It’s entertainment at its mindless best, and that’s what I need sometimes. Loud noises, bright lights, and fake-looking people beating the plasma out of typically normal-looking masochists using hilariously overengineered equipment. They have lots of events involving being suspended in mid-air or tumbling from a height into a pool of water. They pass no judgments on me for watching, and I return the favor by skipping most of the filler and recaps, which reduces the broadcast time by half or better. This gives me a sense of being efficient in my wasting of time, which is a great combination. But that’s not the real big draw.
Plus, there’s Hellga, who was actually yanked by one contestant off her platform during a tug-of-war, causing her to plummet into the water and get all wet and angry-looking. But that’s not the real draw either.
There was also the deaf contestant who dislocated his shoulder in the middle of the final obstacle-course-type race, and then popped it back in on national television when he needed his upper body strength for another element of the event. That was pretty cool, but it still is not the real draw for me.
For me, it’s not about Phoenix (though she is indisputably hot) or Steel (see comment re: Phoenix) or Venom (see comments re: Phoenix and Steel). It’s about Big Al. He’s the referee for the events, and he attacks the role like his children and livestock depend on it. It’s not just that he’s deadly serious - you get that way when you’re a big (or smaller) league baseball umpire, or even when you play one on the teevee.
The thing I really love about Big Al is his action. Whatever is going on in the competition, he’s created a hand signal for it based on all other officiating signals from the other major sports (baseball, basketball, football, polo, jai alai, dogracing, internet poker). When he asks you if you’re ready to compete, he’ll give you a nice big “Johnny C. Roll” and if you were not ready before he lays that on ya, you’re sure as hell ready afterwards. He’s human, yet robotic. He’s cuddly, yet authoritarian. He’s the voice of reason in a world gone mad. He’s consistently entertaining. He’s why I watch.
Oh hell I’ll admit it, I watch because of Phoenix and Hellga. But when they’re off-stage the ref is pretty entertaining too. Are the contenders ready? You bet they are. For what, I don’t even care anymore. Just throw me that Johnny C Roll and you know we’ll all be ready to go the distance. You’d never let them hurt us, would you, Al?
