Friday, May 23, 2003
Since I’m out of here
Since I’m out of here so soon, I wanted to throw something up to cover up the embarassing lack of sophistication here at the hut. I was having trouble figuring out what that would be, and then my best friends at the Gillette company solved my problem. I got home Thursday night to find a mysterious cardboard box, addressed to me from them. I tore it open and found a sample razor with three - three! - blades, and also a heartfelt piece of hucksterism and pitchware. It was so fulfilling for me to read, I thought I might make it part of your experience too. And let’s face it, after “gross google searches that brought people to my blog” and tirades about television shows, commercial speech is your best source for cynic fodder. So cozy up and let’s begin…
First line: “ Start Your Day Off Right.“ These letters are huge; it’s the biggest part of the text - and it’s all about ME and making MY experience more fulfilling. How can I argue with that? HOW CAN I ARGUE? Right. I’ll move on.
“Dear Valued Customer:” My sensors extend. ‘Value’ is something that you attach to commodities; ‘dear’ and ‘value’ in this context take on a sense of synonymity. And what entitles them to call me a customer? Just because I buy their crap? What temerity. What gall. I’m outraged.
“At GilletteÒ, we think that every man deserves the best. And we think that you deserve our best shaving product - our MACH3Ò Turbo.“
Is this really what you think out there at Gillette? Because that’s a pretty lame excuse for a philosophy. Does every man really deserve the best? Isn’t it inevitable that theere would be gradations of bestness to accomodate the billlions of men who apparently all deserve the ‘best’, from callous murderers and Donald Rumsfeld, to genius philanthropists and myself? So I question the premise from which Messers. Gillette proceed.
But they have a corollary - that they further think that I deserve their best shaving product. This leads me to wonder, when did they arrive at this conclusion? Did they just decide recently? Have they been holding out on me till now? I suppose I must have passed some sort of marketing threshold for inclusion in the “deserves best shaving product” category. I wonder what I did - I think I’d like to do it again. Also, I’m ImpressedÒ that they’ve RegisteredÒ the Mach3Ò. But I suppose they don’t need to worry about it till they reach 5 and Speed sends Spridle and ChimChim over to break some kneecaps.
“Next Generation Triple-Blade Shaving System.“ Wow! Riker’s choice - and you can tell that he throws a manly growth! Plus, triple blading sounds good too. It’s 50% better than double blading. At least.
“Protected by over 35 patents, Mach3Ò Turbo features innovations you can feel - 3 Anti-FrictionÔ blades, thinner and more flexible microfins to smooth out your skin, an enhanced IndicatorÒ lubricating strip and a more ergonomic grip.”
I’m overwhelmed. Of course, I feel very safe - safer than I’ve ever known I could feel. The protection of those 35 patents gives me the courage to face a new day, secure in my masculinity. And the innovations incorporated in this tonsorial marvel - I can actually FEEL them! I love the tactile sensations, theyre among my most favorite sensations. Oh, don’t make me choose. Here we learn, too, that the blades - all three of them - are Anti-FrictionÔ, which provides a bit less tangible a sense of being protected, but still makes me feel special and proud that I’m now finally qualified to enjoy shaving products that incorporate technology that seems to defeat the very laws of physics, since Anti-FrictionÔ is presumably non-entropic. No wonder they Ô’d it!
BUT WAIT - THERE’S MORE! Remember those thick, rigid maxifins they used to have on Gillette razors, the ones that shredded up your skin? Well market research has pointed them in an exciting new direction on that one - thin, flexible, and micro is so 21st century! It must be the most important development in the history of applied shaving technology. And they sent it to me for free. I’m almost crying.
With this kind of lead-in, they toss off a mention of the ‘Enhanced IndicatorÒ Lube Strip’ as a throwaway. But I’m a dear valued customer for a reason - I think for myself. Right? So we’ll start with the frank acknowledgment that men have lube strips and we use them all the time. It’s no big thing, just locker room hijinks. All good clean fun. Guy stuff. Man lube. End of story. But now - ah, but now there’s the IndicatorÒ lube strip - and if you break down that word into its component parts, you get a vaguely rude but unintelligible phrase based around the noun “dick” and the past tense verb “ate.” So you know it’s a powerful lube that will leave your skin moist and pert as a playful honeyed tongue. Ooh! And then they IMPROVED it. Oh goodness how lubricious can I get? Do I have limits? I certainly hope not.
AND. And. And there’s a more ergonomic grip. I know it sounds dirty but it’s really not. Well, actually… looking at the photo and the device itself, the shaft - or “glans” - of the razor has long vertical grooves, broken up by three sets of three low smooth ridges. On the underside is a pattern of short dimples. You know, for a firm grip. You know, for her pleasure. So that’s what ergonomic means.
“The Closest, Most Comfortable Shave Ever.“ That’s a broad statement. Sure, you’ve made some important strides. But ever? The most? These are an absolute term, in one case, and a subjective term in the other. Just because it’s in bold lettering doesn’t mean it’s truer. I read that on the internet, and it was in bold so I believed it.
“All this advanced design means that you can now enjoy the closest, most comfortable shave with less irritation - even when shaving against the grain.”
What do you mean, ‘less’ irritation? I’m getting a little irritated right now. I expect no irritation. I have enough irritation as it is. I hear you, though, about going against the grain. I’m a rebel, a ronin, an iconoclast with an attitude - ‘against the grain’ is almost my middle name, except that that would make my whole name 32 letters long. But I’m pretty riled up, anyway. Closest, most comfortable shave my ass. (That wasn’t a request, by the way.)
“So enjoy your Mach3Ò Turbo. It’s the best you can get.”
Oh you bastards. You throw me a parade and then empty your chamberpots on it. I thought I was dear to you. I thought I’d made the cut and you’d let me use your best shaving products. But now I see the truth. This isn’t actually the best, or even your best. It’s just the best you’re willing to sell to me, the best I’ll be able to get with my limited resources and questionable psych profile. And even then, I’m expecting irritation.
The signature is “Very truly, Joseph F. Dooley, President, Commercial Operations, North America.”
Do you think he noticed that ‘truly’ rhymes with ‘Dooley’? Because if I noticed that, I’d change something. Make it ‘fondly’ or ‘With deepest sympathy’ or ‘And the horse you rode in on.’ There’s no rule-y about truly, Dooley. And yes, we should also point out that his name contains the word ‘doo.’ We don’t owe him any respect, he’s the freaking PresidentÒ of Commercial OperationsÒ for a whole continent (and one of the good ones, too!). I dont’ know what ‘commercial operations’ are but they sound pretty all-encompassing. Whatever it is, he’s old enough to take care of himself. He’s telling me that this triple bladed sex toy is the best razor I can hope to get. Well you’d better be right Mr. DooDooHead (bet that one stung, it’s been years since he heard it) - otherwise I’ll take that better razor and come looking for you. And when I find you I’ll give you the closest, most comfortable shave ever. That’ll teach you to send me free toiletries.
Meanwhile, Subaru knows I’m a customer too, but so far, no free samples in the mail. Maybe it got misdirected. Speaking of which, I’m off tonight for Philo, Mendocino County, for 3 days of total isolation and rejuvenation, in our first extended road trip in the Forester. Cosmo comes too! And may god have mercy on our souls. Mine, anyway.