Monday, March 15, 2004

Tea Time

I like my hot caffeine in the morning and I don’t care who knows it.  I will drink coffee (but not if it’s got some goofball flavor like hazelnurt or myntt, and not if it’s been curdled with cowjuice as a general rule), or I can be perfectly happy with a nice strong cuppa T.  And with the tea, I’m not the sort to shortchange myself on the full-brewed experience: I’ll take loose leaf tea and dump too much into my gold-plated infuser; as soon as the kettle on the range starts to whistle I’ll pour a mugfull to pre-warm the infusion chamber, dump that water, insert the infuser, and then pour by-now-merrily-boiling water over the dessicated leaves, inhaling their earthy promise as I do so, steaming up my spectacles and comforting my lungs with the warm vapors.  Then I cover the works, set the oven timer for four minutes, and wait it out till we’ve been properly steeped - there is nothing so ill-suited to starting one’s day as a shallow steeping, I’m sure you’d agree.  Finally, a spoon of sugar for my quick-fuel needs, which are significant - and then I usually get distracted and walk away from the whole shooting match and only realize it 40 minutes later when I find the mug of perfectly brewed, sugared tea sitting where I’d left it, luke-cold, so I can down it in two or three enormous gulps and maximize the likelihood that it will pass swiftly and gleefully through my various systems, leaving me on the bus wondering why I didn’t hit the bathroom one last time before I left the house.  Verily, it recalls the adage taught to me by my father about the indiginous north american in a leather tent who drank as I did and then drowned in his teepee.  “Ignominious” is too grand a word for such straits. 

My current favorite tea is a variety called Russian Caravan (or “russki caravanski” as I usually call it in my pre-dawn fumblings around the kitchen), which has a terrific smoky, nutty scent and taste - like lapsang souchong but not quite so earthy, less of the backwoods campfire than of the backyard grill flavor.  I just killed off my tin of Jackson’s of Piccadilly Russian Caravan and, now that it’s too late to do much about it, I check their instructions to see if I’d been ruining every cup by my rigorous and unflinching tea-brewing protocols.  It appears that there is not much I could have done, however, to have messed it up, according to their instructions.  In terms of “how to brew,” there are no instructions at all.  However, under “Serving Suggestion:”, I read as follows: “Ideal served after lunch or for afternoon tea. [Already I’m breaking the rules by drinking it early but since that was only the ‘ideal’ and not the ‘obligatory drinking schedule,’ I think I can get away with my breakfast mug.] Best drunk black, with a little milk, or a slice of lemon.  Add sugar if desired.”

You got that?  Either don’t put in anything, or put in milk, or milk and lemon.  And sugar, maybe.  Basically, anything people typically put in their tea, can be put into this tea.  They don’t mention star anise, bay leaves, or pre-moistened hand-disinfecting towelettes, so I’m glad I didn’t experiment with seeing how any of those tasted in my morning mug.  It seems that the manufacturer ran out of useful instructions, so they just tried to validate whatever folk are most likely to do anyway.  They might as well just print out, “Hey what works for you works for us, as long as no one gets hurt you can use this product any way your muse directs you.”

I’m going to look next for the tea that says “Under no circumstances consume before noon; adding both lemon and sugar likely to result in violent chemical reaction.  Wear protective goggles while preparing this beverage, and remember, without chemicals life itself would be both impossible and unprofitable.” I feel like living on the edge this week.