Sunday, May 08, 2005
You’ve Got a Friend
Back at the end of April I hied me hence to the beautiful Carson Valley for a bit of a party with some fellow bloggers - jules, pete, teresa, debbie, and ruth, accompanied by a healthy assortment of spouses and alcohols. we played a little poker (I came out $4 ahead, which means the universe is doomed), ate some tasty foodstuffs (the Dr Pepper BBQ Sliders were particularly noteworthy), and drained more american whiskey than a crowd that size should have been allowed to have in the room in the first place. no one got sick, or into a fight, or wound up in a compromised situation with farm animals or equipment. even so, it was still a fun party.
but you are looking for the inside story, aren’t you? that’s why you came to me. well let me take this opportunity right now to disappoint you. it was a comfortable, very entertaining visit but the stories are not actually of the sort that can be shared without visual aids and, preferably, a corkscrew. really, you had to be there.
one point, though, that jules particularly insisted I reference, was the notion of “AntiPretzelman.” someone was throwing pretzels at me and, somehow, missing me. “I am impervious to your pretzels,” I boasted. “It’s my superpower.” superheroes that lame don’t even get spandex outfits, you know. I’m going to be stuck in colored cello-wrap. and my chest logo is likely to be a post-it. pretty sorry stuff.
but other than that, it was a blast from the moment pete picked me up at BART - one shave-headed white guy with a bit of hair at the chin and wearing an orange baseball cap, waiting for another. I told pete that someone would think we were a couple so he went home and got a different hat, and that was the only hitch in the whole trip. The drive up was gorgeous, as was the drive back, and the destination itself. I ate well. It was fun. Here’s a link to my shutterfly album on the subject, if you want visual proof. Olfactory proof is a bit harder to provide, but drop me a line and I’ll see what I can work up for you.
One thing I particularly like doing when I visit new places is to see what the yellow pages has to say about them. I always pull out the big floppy book and page through for maps, coupons, local information, all that good crap, trying to get a tab on the local culture. Minden was no exception and I really enjoyed their yellow pages, which seems to be a statewide affair. One thing that caught my attention was the repetition of advertisements for certain select business entities in different sections. In particular, I noticed that the “Moonlight Bunnyranch” had big full-page bullet-pointed ads all through the book, in such sections as Escorts, Entertainment, and Massage; sadly, I didn’t take the trouble to look them up under “fellatio” but I bet they’re listed there too. The thing I found most amusing was the way that these ads differed from each other depending on the section of the book in which the ad appeared. For example, here is a selection of the services identified in the ad under the “massage” section:
* chinese massage
* friction, bodywork
* excellent service
* facials
* thai water massage
* stress reduction
* therapeutic touch
* the finest massage
* same day service
* helicopter pad (I’ll admit, I’m not sure what this refers to, but it sounds like fun)
* discreet billing
so this is clearly a business that offers a broad range of valuable services. but by whom are these services provided? The answer is under the ad in the “escorts” section of the yellow pages, which lists, inter alia, the following descriptions of the staff:
* adorable ladies
* area’s finest ladies
* attractive escorts
* classy outside calls
* confidentail personal escorts
* courteous personal escorts (who, apparently, can’t be counted on to keep their mouth shut when it counts)
* elegant refined ladies
* exciting gorgeous ladies (who, apparently, are a bit lacking in the elegance and refinement categories)
* finest female escorts
* fun classy ladies
* impressive dinner escorts ("my god man, can she keep those things hovering above the table for the entire meal?")
* pretty friendly ladies (the lack of a comma makes me wonder if this means the ladies are friendly and pretty, or if they’re mostly, but not completely, friendly)
* professional ladies
I shared this list with evi and scott, who wondered if it could be utilized anywhere else; I assume it would work anywhere that prostitution was legal but we could only think of one state other than nevada where that was true: Brothelvania, a proud land bearing the popular state motto, “you’ve got a friend in Brothelvania.” I think I’ve got my next road trip destination in mind already. this time, though, I don’t think I’m going to share the shutterfly album so indiscriminately. some things deserve to be asked for. I may be classy and elegant, but I’m also a professional. I mean, when it really counts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my helicopter has just landed.